John H Armstrong

Lessons on Diet from the World's Oldest Person

It might be a sign of my advancing age but I found the recent report of the death of the world's oldest person humorous. Let me explain.

Gertrude Baines died a few days ago in Los Angeles at the ripe age of 115. Gertrude appeared in a much watched You Tube video clip last year when she voted for Barack Obama. The world's oldest person is now believed to be Kama Chinen, who lives in Japan. But Gertrude lived in Los Angeles. My first response was very very simple: "How does the world's oldest person live in L.A.?" You have to be kidding I thought to myself. L.A.? Smog, traffic and too many people. L.A.?

Gertrude Baines was born in Shellman, Georgia, on April 6, 1894, when Grover Cleveland was in the White House, radio communication was just being developed and television was still more than a half-century from becoming a ubiquitous household presence.

She was 4 years old when the Spanish-American War broke out and 9 when the first World Series was ever played. This means Gertrude actually 14 when the Cubs won their last Word Series. Amazing. There aren't many of them around. She had already only reached middle age by the time the U.S. entered World War II in 1941.

But Gertrude's diet is what really impressed me. She said that she lived to be 115 on a steady diet of crispy bacon, fried chicken and ice cream. I thought to myself, "That has to be the diet of choice for a long life!" Finally, I could stop feeling guilty about my dish of ice cream or some of my other food choices. The guilt is gone. I even enjoyed a chocolate brownie dessert yesterday with a friend. Gertrude has to be my new icon of diet and health. Who could argue with such a choice given the evidence of Gertrude Baines' long life?

The Battle of the Church Signs

A friend sent me some photos of a local "church battle" that developed in a Missouri town this summer. The local Catholic Church began the battle of the church signs with the first sign. What followed is downright humorous, though the Presbyterians revealed their usual lack of humor as the battle developed.

Mascot Madness in Chicago

Readers know that I love baseball. I decided this summer, due to the recession and the difficulty of getting to games in Chicago, to limit my baseball experience to a nearby minor league team, the Kane County Cougars. I get two inexpensive tickets for about 13 games a year and take friends with me to see a game and spend a relaxing evening together. This week the Cougars season (sadly) winds to a close. I will miss these boys of summer and the pure delight of hearing the crack of the bat and consuming baseball park delights with good friends.

Last week Anita and I took our dachshund Neo in the “Bark in the Park” parade at the Kane County stadium. Stacy also brought along her dog, Latte. It was a real delight for all of five of us. (We think the dogs enjoyed it!) The fans pointed at the doxies and laughed with us, or was it at us?

Before the parade around the park I had the opportunity to meet the famous Kane County mascot Ozzie. Ozzie is, fittingly, a Cougar. I think Ozzie is one of the better mascots in baseball. He is quite an entertainer. In fact, Ozzie is quite a runner as well. This short clip will give you an idea of just how fast Ozzie the Cougar really is. Enjoy!

For All of Us Who Survived Beings Kids Before the 1980s

Now and then I get an anonymous bit of humor that is truly worth a laugh for many more people. Here is one sent to Anita and then forwarded to me. Enjoy!

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon.  We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar.  And, we weren't overweight.  Why?

Because we were always outside, playing. . . . that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.  And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.   After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

We had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

 We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.    

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.  

Imagine that!!  

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.  They actually sided with the law!  

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers problem solvers and inventors problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.  

If you are one of them: CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

 

No Laughter in Hell?

I believe that laughter is unique to humans in all of God's good creation. I also think that laughter is a great antidote to pride and self-importance. People who do not laugh will miss out on the goodness of God's creation and thus miss a perfectly delightful and normal expression of God-given joy.

In Dante's "Inferno" and "Paradisio" it is only in the inferno of hell that no one laughs. I do not think Dante got the biblical teaching about heaven and hell right in several ways but in this case I think he was right on. Laughter is absent in hell but it will be a major feature of heaven.

Laughter and personal depth also go hand-in-hand. I once thought real seriousness required Christians to be careful to not overdo laughter, especially in public worship settings. I even said, in a sermon once, "There is not a hint of Jesus ever laughing or telling a joke. In fact the only reference to his emotions we find tells us that he was sorrowful and that he wept." But I believe the Jesus we encounter in the Bible made people smile. At times they must have even laughed out loud. We do not understand the Middle Eastern mind and culture thus we easily miss this point when we read the English text. The parables of Jesus clearly fit this pattern and demonstrate my point. 

Laughter opens people up in unusual ways to hear solid truths that they would not otherwise hear so well. People who can laugh are also the very men and women who can shepherd hurting God's people. I am convinced that they will also have the freedom and joy of ministering to them very deeply.

Sweet Home Alabama Like You've Never Heard It

"Sweet Home Alabama" is a song by Southern Rock band Lynyrd Skynyd that first appeared in 1974 on their second album, Second Helping. Despite some controversy, it reached #8 on the US charts in 1974, and was the band's second hit single record. It has a kind of unofficial "rock" state song and is proudly played at University of Alabama football home games.

Each fall I go to Tuscaloosa and always enjoy singing this song with 94,000 screaming fans in red. It is a blast. It is pure Southern and very fun.

Many of you know I have roots in Alabama, having attended the university and also both my parents are laid to rest in the red clay of that state. My one brother also lives in Huntsville. So I know Alabama, to some extent at least. But I have never heard "Sweet Home Alabama" the way I heard it today.

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, the Soviet Red Army had an official choir composed of male soldiers and musicians. It still exists. The Red Army Choir performs throughout Russia to this day.

Now consider the Finnish rock band called The Leningrad Cowboys. A little while ago, they held a concert in Russia, in which---to the screaming applause of Russkie teen-agers---they got the Red Army Choir to join them on stage for a performance of "Sweet Home Alabama." In English. You couldn't make this up. You have to see and hear this to really believe it. Check it out. If you do not find this humorous I will be surprised.  

Good Church Humor

Sometimes you just need to laugh. Readers Digest often provides the material for some good ones, like these:

"He must not be very good at his job" was the first thing that came to mind as I left church. The reason? This notice on the bulletin board: "There will be no healing service this Sunday due to the pastor's illness."

If you drive a lot, you're used to seeing those "My Child Is an Honor Student at . . . " bumper stickers. At this point, I ignore them. But one stuck out, mostly becuase of its somewhat conflicted message: "My Son Is an Honor Student at Our Lady of Humility School."

A Little Internet Humor

It is said that a little humor is good for the soul. And nothing in the modern genre of humor may be better for the soul of Internet readers than fast-spreading Internet humor. My wife was sent as email yesterday that made me laugh out loud. I thought many of my readers would enjoy this as well so I provide it via today's blog. If I could attribute the piece properly I would gladly do so but I feel sure the writer would be happy just to make a few more people smile.

I want to thank all of those who have taken the time and trouble to send so many email advisories over the past year.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. ( I think)

Because of your concern, I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. In fact, I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I no longer have any sneakers---but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

(The Bible did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! I will now return the favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will
infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to the friend of a friend of a friend.