John H Armstrong

When Jesus Met Mary: A Conference on Friendship with a Unique (and Controversial) Emphasis on Friendship with the Opposite Sex

Can men and women be close friends without the sex part getting in the way?

Can men and women who are married enjoy opposite sex friendships?

What would our marriages, our friendships, our churches, and our communities look like if men and women were not afraid of connecting with each other in deep ways?

What would male-female relationships look like in marriages and friendship if every man and woman could know the spiritual richness and beauty of oneness between genders?

These are the kinds of questions that grew out of my reading of a fine book I reviewed extensively on this site, December 21-24, 2010. I wrote long blogs about Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions, a ground-breaking and courageous book written by my good friend Dan Brennan. I believed then that it had something extremely important to say about real friendship to our modern over-sexualized culture, especially inside the Christian church. I believed, and believe even more now, that the absence of real friendship is destroying the life of the Spirit among us. This book is an important work that addresses the need for healing in this area of life together. 

Dan and I go back a very long way. I was his pastor in the 1980s. Quite honestly we had a tragic break in our relationship. That break lasted for more than a decade but after some years this broken friendship was beautifully healed. We were totally and completely reconciled and thus have enjoyed, for several years, a great (and very healthy) friendship. I tell you this story because it underscores an important point about my friend Dan Brennan. He practices what he preaches/writes! He is so refreshingly honest that some people do not like him for it. Plus, his understanding of a controversial subject is truly unique. But Dan is a man who makes friends and values his relationships very deeply. Like me he can be, and has been, hurt by friends who have turned against him. He has proven to be a true friend to me. I hope this friendship will continue to be the treasured by him as well. It is a powerful evidence of the kingdom to celebrate friendship with a person you once loved and then lost, only to regain that relationship with much greater depth and richness. 

This weekend I have the great privilege of sharing in a one-of-a-kind conference that Dan has planned for some months: When Jesus Met Mary: A Conference Exploring Friendship Between Men & Women. The event publicity says that it will seek to promote understanding, demystify the opposite sex (as if that were entirely possible, eh?), desexualize interactions between men and women, guide us in overcoming sexism, help us to tap into our deep longing to reflect the image of God and help us to enter into the deep unity and communion that God desires. 

I will speak on unity at the end of the event on Saturday afternoon and assist in serving the eucharist in the closing session at 3:40 p.m. The event begins with dinner at 6 p.m. this Friday evening, April 27. The speaker lineup includes some wonderful writers and thinkers, a few I know and more new people that I look forward to meeting. The meeting place for the conference is Life on the Vine, located at 5105 RFD, Arlington Heights Road, Long Grove, Illinois. 

You can register now. I urge you to do so and then attend this weekend. I'd love to see many of my Chicago friends. I do not believe that you will regret coming to this event. Even if the topic frightens you, and it does for many great people, come and learn. Listen, ask questions, think deeply. The price is reasonable and the fellowship and topic will both be truly unique. 

 

Women, Ministry and the Paradox of Faith

Very few issues divide biblically-informed Christians from one another quite like the debate over the role of men and women in Scripture and the church. Over sixty-plus years of life I have discovered a wide-range of responses and views. From almost every view I have heard I have discovered a new way to read a particular text and to understand what the commentator believes this means for the modern church. Many of these claims to precise certitude were quite common on the side I once held. This prompted me to rethink how I read Scripture and what conclusions I should draw from my reading.

Within evangelical Protestant circles the two most common stances  are called egalitarianism and complementarianism. I move in churches and among people on both sides of this debate. Broadly speaking, I do not generally advocate one position over the other because my mission is to promote unity among all churches and Christians. But I can’t avoid the debate since I do hold a view. I try to express that view in a way that respects those I disagree with. But at times some will not allow this to happen regardless of my efforts.

Having said this I have openly explained how I changed my mind on the role of women in the church. My story is included in what I believe to be an excellent collection of personal stories written by fellow evangelicals. My former Bible professor at Wheaton College, Dr. Alan Johnson, graciously invited me to contribute to this unique volume several years ago. I was pleased to offer my own narrative. The book was published late last year. If you would like to see how many of us were led to change our minds on this matter the book makes for interesting reading.

The simple, self-evident truth is that we have two groups of solid Christian leaders promoting two quite different positions by means of publishing, teaching and conferencing. The egalitarian group is called Christians for Biblical Equality. CBE says that it is “advancing a biblical foundation for gift-based rather than gender-based ministry and service.” That is the way I understand my view. I obviously believe that my thinking is rooted in biblical teaching and theology or I would not hold it, much less teach it in any context (including this blog). The complementarian group is called Christians for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. CBMW says it is “promoting God’s glorious design for men and women.” Who could disagree with that goal in a simple sense? But of course the issue is in the details. In short, the CBE position comes down to this—leadership and ministry is completely open to women. Gender is not an issue in leadership. Moral excellence, God-given gifts and divine calling are the issue. CBMW believes that it is not this simple. Women are not to (formally) lead (or teach) men as pastors/elders/bishops, etc. The unique difference between men and women makes this so because of creation, as well as several New Testament injunctions that seem to forbid women from teaching men or holding (pastoral) ecclesial office.

Both groups are represented by respected and beloved Bible scholars and teachers. Both groups are led by people that I count as my friends and as fellow Christians. The simple fact is that in churches of all types and sorts you will find pastors and leaders on one side or the other in this debate/disagreement. (I am excluding non-Protestants here since the priesthood is closed to women in Catholicism and Orthodoxy.) While I hold to a position that I believe rightly understands both the Scripture and the church I do not disdain or attack those who disagree with me. I once held the other position on this matter so how arrogant would it be for me to now condemn faithful Christians who do not agree with my present understanding? But I am willing to discuss this issue in an atmosphere of mutual respect. I do the same on many similar issues. I do not understand why this doctrine should be placed in the center of doctrinal faithfulness, especially among evangelical Protestants. This is not an “essential” doctrinal stance so we can, and should, pursue it in liberty and with charity.

But, and this is important, this is an issue that will not go away because of good will. This should prompt us to think about it very, very carefully. Healthy discussion is welcomed by healthy and mature Christians. I feel called to make my own views known in certain contexts. This is not my explicit mission but it is my decided view. I think one’s view does impact how they actually handle some very important issues so all of us should be persuaded in our own minds as to what we believe and why. I encourage churches and church leaders to faithfully seek better understanding of this issue and then to have the courage to pursue what it is they believe the Scripture teaches about it. I would begin by listening to the other side. I make it a practice to always begin here when I see godly and good Christians who disagree with me. When I began to do this about fifteen years ago I was stunned at what I had not seen. When I listened without fear to a view that I did not want to emotionally embrace for decades I was moved to rethink. Can we not do this kind of listening and learning without rancor toward one another? I believe that we can but I am not sure all of us want to try at times.

Having said this I would like to commend the work of my friend Mimi Haddad and CBE. If you’ve never seen their ministry or their excellent and wide-ranging material please check it out. With her permission I reprint (below) Dr. Haddad’s most recent CBE news article called “The Paradox of Faith.” I hope you find it helpful. I also hope that some of you will be led to rethink your position. If you find yourself agreeing with me and Dr. Haddad then please support CBE. I support them as a committed member. I believe they are deserving of your support if you agree with them. Frankly, I love what this ministry does around the globe for more than half the members of the Christian Church—women!

The tragedy of how women are treated in many male-dominated cultures should alarm us, regardless of our view of the biblical text. CBE actually helps Christians like me understand why I should support our sisters in Christ more openly. For this I am truly thankful.

Paradox of Faith

Dr. Mimi Haddad

Have you ever wondered why the Bible remains a best-seller? After all, the teachings of Scripture can be downright unappealing. This is never more the case than in the words and deeds of Jesus. The gospels, for example, make it clear that each human being, regardless of their upbringing, accomplishments, or fine intentions is spiritually bankrupt and in need of salvation. Furthermore, despite our rebirth in Christ, becoming holy is arduous work. And, throughout our lives we are called to some very unpleasant efforts in our relationships, like turning the other cheek, forgiving the offenses of others, going an extra mile, loving our neighbor as ourselves (whether or not they are lovable!), giving our cloaks away, and more! Now, I ask you, why is this book a best-seller?

If you've been around Jesus and the Holy Spirit, you realize that there is a paradox in these seemingly impossible commands. For example, we find that in casting our bread upon the water when we give of our resources, even though small, they actually return to us in some unexpected and manifold way. Every time you extend yourself to others, even when exhausted, you find that something deep within you is refreshed and restored. While Scripture asks us to store our riches in heaven, instead of on Earth, in doing so, we also discover that the more we give away, strangely, the more we seem to have to give away again. The paradox of faith runs so entirely counter to any culture in history. It consistently challenges us where humanity has been so often misguided—that in caring for others, we too, are nurtured.

Perhaps this is why Scripture remains a best-seller, that in trusting the teachings of the Bible we experience the expansive joy that comes not from saving our lives, but, paradoxically, from giving them away as Christ did. The creator and ruler of heaven and earth came not to be served, but to serve sacrificially. Christ's leadership was not control, power, domination, or entitlement, which humans so often pursue. Rather, as Jesus said in Matthew 20:25, to be great is to be last, to be first is to become the servant of all—as he was. As we join Christ in serving others, we encounter, ironically, a release from the toxic and self-minimizing need to hold power over others, to be first, and to be served.

In my work at CBE, I have had the pleasure of working beside our founders and members—Christians who have walked many miles with Jesus, so much so that they embody the paradox of faith in ways that inspire me each day. They have imbibed the teachings of Scripture and have allowed the Spirit in the Text to shape and change them into radical people who embrace leadership as service and service as leadership; that in giving to others we receive even more. The largeness of their spirits is dazzling! I remember one member who, after giving sacrificially to CBE, said, "You will never know how much joy it brings me to give and serve CBE." This is indeed, the paradox of faith. And, it is because of so many like her that CBE is able to give generously to others asking for resources on biblical equality in their contexts and languages.

If there was ever a time to remember the paradox of faith, it is next week, on Wednesday, November 16—Give to the Max Day. For 24 hours there are many opportunities to make your simple donation count for more. To learn more click here. Thank you!

Mimi Haddad
President, CBE

Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Questions for the Author (Part One)

Last year (December 21-24) I wrote a series of blogs reviewing a controversial but extremely important book on friendships. This book, Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship Between Men and Women, is written by my friend Dan Brennan. I mentioned at the time that I did not particularly want to delve into this subject, knowing quite well that some would react against the book and even against my giving it this kind of attention. I also mentioned my concerns and cautions but these seemed to have been missed by critics.

I’ve thought a great deal about this book, and discussed it even more with the author and others (including some critics), since the end of last year. I believe that Dan is saying a great deal of very important stuff about friendship that is too easily missed by the controversial subject matter of males and females as close friends. As a result of a continuing dialog I decided to put some of my questions to Dan and ask him to respond.

What follows is an interview that will prompt more thought about what Dan is saying, and not saying, in this important book.

The most provocative point in your book, is that the Christian story is calling men and women to live in deep relational unity. In other words, you argue that men and women are called into authentic loving communion not just in marriage but in nonromantic friendship as well.

Yet, the United States has one of the highest divorce rates in the world. Conventional wisdom would say it would be unwise to risk one’s marriage for an intimate cross-gender friendship given we live in a divorce culture.

How do you respond to such statistics?

Great question! On the surface, it would seem counterintuitive. However, I would suggest we need to pause and ask what the virtue of chastity means in the 21^st century. Lauren Winner’s book, Real Sex addressed certain aspects of chastity. So did Christine Colón and Bonnie Field in their book, Singled Out. Toward the end of the book they look to what Catholics have thought about the virtue. Several years back before I wrote Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions I discovered the rich depth of the virtue by reading what Pope John Paul II, Ronald Rolheiser, Vincent Genovesi, and others had to say on the subject.

Although it’s popularly misunderstood to mean the same thing as celibacy, it is not. To be chaste as Rolheiser observes, means to experience reverence, reverence for other, reverence for the power of sex and sexuality, reverence for sin. Chastity does not require a list of universal, once-and-for-all thou shalt not’s. (“You shall not be alone with a member of the opposite sex, you shall not ever be physically affectionate and tender toward someone from the opposite sex, etc.). In fact, as I have studied what others believe about chastity (Protestants, Catholics, the Eastern Orthodox) it is not about developing a list of overly-scripted rules for the leaders and everyone in the community to follow. The virtue of chastity resists uniformity.

Jesuit author James Martin declares that the main goal of chastity is to love as many people as deeply as possible. Genovesi talks about chastity as under the control of love with tenderness and full awareness of the other. Prior to my research I never associated chastity with tenderness and presence—awareness of the other. Chastity in my mind meant not having sex—having very little to do with the bigger issues dividing men and women. Ever since then I have sought to integrate deep tenderness in my friendships.

I saw then that the virtue of chastity addresses issues of our culture which contribute to the high divorce rate. It is not just about avoiding inappropriate sex. It is that, but it is much bigger, deeper, and broader than that. What does it mean for men and women living in the 21^st century to deeply love each other with tenderness and full awareness of the other? That’s what the virtue of chastity deals with.

In this vein, chastity is mission between men and women in this world and how we are to love each other within our communities. Hollywood exalts sexualized friendship as the be-all, end-all for living on the one hand (since their characters never experience communion with God, sexualized friendship in the moment is the only communion to experience) and hardly ever portrays men and women who passionately love each with no sex or romance in their relationship.

Yet, ironically, I don’t think it is too farfetched to say this same thing is happening in most evangelical communities. Evangelicals preach romance and marriage. Beyond that, are heavily-scripted rules reinforcing what Hollywood depicts—very few non-romantic friendships. This is an area where we are truly called to not be conformed to the patterns of this world. We are not called to be hyper-romantic conformists. In this sense, we are called to nonconformity. Chastity is a big Yes! toward authentic, life-giving love in friendships.

The virtue of chastity then, addresses the big issues of friends with benefits, hooking up, gender differences at home, workplace, and church, romanticized Freudian sexuality (which I would argue contributes to the high divorce rate even among Christians) and overly-scripted rules of fear and boundaries between those who are not in a romantic relationship.

So, you would argue that a robust view of chastity integrates “face to face” and “side by side” in friendship?

Many present day evangelicals accept C.S. Lewis’ gendered division of romantic love and friendship love. In his book, Four Loves, Lewis writes, “Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.”

Yet, not all “face-to-face” intimacy is romantic love. Many female friendship scholars attest to the reality that female friendships are face to face. In many evangelical popular books, deep, face to face friendships are encouraged among evangelical women. Evangelical author Dee Brestin in her best-selling book, The Friendships of Women believes there is a distinction between marriage (“one flesh”) and “one soul” friendship. The latter is a union of hearts and minds, but not of bodies.

Historically, before Freud and the cluster of Eastern European sexologists (such as Havelock Ellis) in the 19^th century, deep friendships were face to face and side by side—even alongside marriage. William Wirt wrote to his bride in 1803, “O! my Betsy, my soul assures me that we were indeed made for each other… How delightful it is thus to love you!” Yet in his very close friendship with Dabney Carr, Wirt wrote to Carr, “My heart is so friendly feminine that I can’t hold out [from writing to you]…To be sure, we are both married—but is that any reason why we should cease to love each other? Answer, ‘no.’”

While Wirt was expressing great happiness with Elizabeth in their marriage years later, he wrote to Carr that filing away his old letters was “one of the purest, tenderest, holiest banquets that the heart of man can know.” He wrote to Carr again and told him that his letters were among his “most valued treasures.”

Tomorrow: More Questions

Polygamy and Women's Rights

You do not read much about polygamy these days but a recent Wall Street Journal article on religion raised the question in a provocative way. Rose McDermott, a professor of political science at Brown University, noted that polygamy may be a popular punch line in some movies but “plural marriage is as serious an issue as it’s ever been.” And it is on the rise in the modern West.

One example can be seen across the border, in Canada. A 1890 polygamy law is being tested by groups that insist it violates religious freedom. The core of their argument is that consenting adults have the right to form families in any way they please.

Polygamy is, of course, not new. It has been a common practice for most of human history. Many religions promote it. Muslim practice encourages it and in new Muslim immigrant enclaves in Paris, London and New York the law against it is being challenged. A 2006 report says that 180,000 people were living in polygamous households in France. When the government banned it in 1993 it tried to support a wife who wanted to move out and live with her children. In Britain immigration has allowed polygamy to enter the country as well. In the U.S. numbers are harder to come by since most polygamists keep their practice secret but the number is growing as immigrants arrive who already have multiple wives.

Dr. McDermott says that her research encompasses more than 170 countries over the past decade and that she has seen the detrimental side effects of the practice. Human rights, for both men and women, suffer where polygamy is allowed. Women in polygamist cultures get married sooner, bear more children, have higher rates of HIV infection than men, sustain more domestic violence, succumb to more female genital mutilation and sex trafficking, and are more likely to die in childbirth. Their life expectancy is shorter than that of their monogamous sisters and their children, both boys and girls, are less likely to receive both primary and secondary education.

There are multiple reasons for these results but clearly polygamy is not good for women and women’s rights. When small numbers of men control larger numbers of women one of the most cherished of modern rights suffers. In this case religious freedom does not outweigh the social and moral consequences of allowing polygamy to spread.

Some fundamentalists argue that polygamy is biblically based since they see it in the Old Testament. This is not the place to debate the ethical norms of the Old Testament and how to interpret them but suffice it to say polygamy is a step backward for women and civilized societies. In this case the convergence of modern thought about women and the broader biblical model of justice and compassion argues against any relaxing of our laws against this practice.

Christians for Biblical Equality

I am happy to be a member of a wonderful group committed to the equality of men and women called Christians for Biblical Equality. I happily encourage you to check our their special membership campaign and even sign up today or tomorrow and save some money in the process. CBE produces a number of helpful resources and makes a real different for many of our sisters in the church-at-large.

Further Thoughts on Cross-Gender Relationships

I have written quite a bit lately on male/female issues. This has not been contrived through any preconceived plan, at least humanly speaking. I have thought about these issues for a lifetime. I fully expect that I will not work them out with complete satisfaction in my lifetime. I have admitted that some of this stuff frightens me. I have also admitted that being a latecomer to this dialogue I must move carefully in terms of my own response. This is not a cop out but a reasoned, principled response to what I believe is a highly emotional issue. Let me explain.

First, on the matter of women in leadership in the local church I have told my own story in the book How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership which gives the stories of twenty-one evangelical leaders who changed their mind on this issue. I spent more than three decades working this out scripturally, theologically and emotionally. One of the hardest parts of this issue was the pressure I felt to not to tell friends I respected and knew disagreed with me. I should not have been so fearful. My real friends have not responded negatively at all. (More than a few think I’m wrong, which is fine.) This issue is not a “core mission issue” for me or ACT 3. I continue to have friends, even members of the ACT 3 board, who do not agree with my conclusion.

Second, on the issue of cross-gender friendships I shared a little about my journey in four recent blogs on Dan Brennan’s challenging book, Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions. but this subject is in the early stages of careful thought. There is much, much more for me to read and think about. And there is a lot to discuss with a number of trusted friends, some of whom agree with me and some who do not. I want to be really clear about this. I am still working this matter out. More important than my own view on the subject is the well-being of my wife and family. I will do nothing to harm them, ever. My wife and I have always communicated about these matters openly and will continue to do so. (I strongly encourage every couple to be open about all their relationships!) I have lived my whole married life with my best friend and this relationship, held to the highest moral and ethical standards, will not be allowed to suffer in any way. I even wrote a book on morally fallen leaders, The Stain That Stays. I have rethought that book during the last few weeks. I still hold to the same high standards that I articulated there. As I work out how I respond to a whole set of new questions I will seek for deep wisdom and divine grace.

Finally, there is the issue of how to deal with gay and lesbian friendships. There is one thing I am certain about here: I am commanded to love my neighbors and this has nothing to do with their sexual orientation and practice. There are so many emotionally-charged issues that we throw up about this subject that I am very tired of the old arguments. I believe sexual union is designed by God for a husband and wife in a covenant called marriage. I also believe sexuality is badly misunderstood in our culture. I believe the church has few real answers to the sexual problems we see. I see this, ultimately, as a missional issue. (I will say more when I write my review of Andrew Marin’s excellent book, Love Is An Orientation.) I see more expression of community among gays and lesbians than among most Christian churches. Could there be something here that we need to learn that is actually quite right in spite of their sexual practice?

A recent posted comment (January 3) by my friend Dr. Joe Schaffer, a professor at Penn State University, expresses a great deal of what I have been thinking lately. I end with Dr. Schaffer’s comments from a few days ago:

If Bible study, theological study, and church leadership is dominated by men, it would not be surprising for this to have happened. There is a great deal of sexual brokenness in this fallen world, both in men and in women. But men see it primarily from their own perspective: a strong desire that seems uncontrollable and cannot ever be tamed, and must be managed by continually averting the eyes, knowing one's limits, avoiding dangerous situations, and so on.

I am reminded of what happened to Joseph in Genesis 39. When he was tempted by Potiphar's wife, he rejected her advances and simply ran away. I guess it was the best that he could do, to flee from sexual immorality by fleeing from the person. But I don't think Jesus would have done that. Jesus was remarkably free in his relationships with women, to the point of appearing scandalous to the Pharisees. When he was talking to the Samaritan woman, I don't think he averted his eyes and stared at the ground. I think he looked directly at her, seeing all of her, including her God-given beauty and sexuality, and loved her for who she was and for who she was created to be.

At what point, in our plan of spiritual growth and discipleship for men, should we expect them to grow up from the level of Joseph to the level of Jesus?

That's an actual question, not a rhetorical one.

When I was discipled as a college student during the 1980's, I do remember being exhorted by church leaders to exercise self-control and treat women with dignity and respect. But as a practical matter, church leaders were content and happy if the young men under their care acted like Joseph -- avoiding sexual sin by fleeing from temptation -- rather than becoming like Jesus.

In a culture like ours, where men are continually bombarded with hyper-sexualized, idolatrous images of female bodies, where immoral behavior is celebrated and healthy marriages are becoming increasingly rare, helping young men to turn away from sin to become like Joseph seems like a wonderful victory. Perhaps it is. But shouldn't we expect more? Shouldn't we expect the resurrection of Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to actually heal us of our broken sexuality, so that we actually become like Jesus?

But I imagine that, if young men actually were truly healed and displayed genuinely Christ-like attitudes and behaviors toward women, many in the church would perceive it as scandalous.

Trained By Christians to Be Good Muslims?

A good friend, with whom I have been in dialogue over my posts on sacred friendships (December 21-24), sent the following story to me. It is all too true to not be troubling if you have the eyes and ears to see and hear.

In the evangelical churches I attended growing up, traditional gender roles were portrayed, taught and even encouraged from elementary age, up. Girls do one activity, boys do another. Pointing to the actions of women in Bible stories as fodder for what “godly” women do. In youth group, boys and girls take on different roles: at events, girls prepare and serve food and do cleaning. Boys do “setup” of sound systems, chairs, electronics. Girls are complimented for having “humility” and “a servant’s heart” and boys are encouraged to be leaders.

Male sexuality is an almost-uncontrollable force that must not be tempted. Women must “avoid tempting the boys,” and in the name of modesty, take responsibility for the eyes and libidos of their male counterparts.

I never remember a pastor talking to the boys and young men about self control and respect for women. It was always a warning not to be “tempted by women.” I do remember hearing middle- aged female youth volunteers or pastors’ wives (we never had women pastors) warn the girls not to tempt the boys, not to dress inappropriately. “Those are your brothers, and you need to protect their eyes.” Islam has a saying about women having “Nine parts of Desire.” When Allah created women and men, he gave nine parts of desire to the woman, and one part to the men.

So women must be covered and separated, because their sexuality is dangerous. Which is effectively the very same thing I learned growing up in the evangelical church.

Some of Roger Nicole’s Last Written Words

Alan Johnson, my former professor and good friend, sent me an email a few weeks ago that I want to share with you. This email is related to my post of yesterday regarding the book, How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership (October, 2010).

Alan wrote to all twenty-one contributors to this book, minus one, the following note:

An unusual thing happened yesterday. I had informed all of you about Roger Nicole's death [1915-2010] with bittersweet thoughts a few days ago. Roger died on Saturday, December 11, 2010.

Yesterday, I received in the mail a beautifully handwritten letter from Roger that was written to me on November 22 but was sent to our old address (we moved in early September) and for some reason was delayed in reaching me.  I am attaching a typed copy of his letter so that you might know how great a gift your book was to him just before the end of his mortal life. I hope it will be a blessing and encouragement to you as it was to me.

Here is Roger’s letter to Alan:

 

REFORMED THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

11/22/10

Dear Alan,

Two copies of “How I Changed My Mind…” have duly reached me, and now I have read the book from cover to cover. I had thought there would be a great deal of similarity between the 21 essays, but I was amazed–I should perhaps say, “stunned”–by the extraordinary diversity in almost every respect.

Countries of origin: USA, Canada, France, Britain, Switzerland and several missionary countries and possibly Germany (cf. Plueddemann, Wurzbacher), Scandinavia (cf. Ortberg), Netherlands (Plantinga) and Armenia (Bilezikian).

Denominations: Baptists, Presbyterians, Methodists, Plymouth Brethren, Christian Reformed, Brethren in Christ, Willow Creek Community Church, etc.

Married men, 11, married couples, 6 (where husband and wife contributed), and married women, 4.

Professions: Pastors, Missionaries, Bishops, Writers, Publishers, Counselors, Evangelists, etc.

I can hardly imagine that a reader going through the whole book would fail to be impressed and could continue to think that 1 Cor 14:31 and 1 Tim 2: 8-16 as traditionally interpreted would continue to forbid the pulpit and the desk to all females.

I am extremely pleased with this work, very grateful for your initiative and labors to put it together and very happy to have my witness (although the second shortest of the 21 essays) to have been included.

Thank you and God bless you and the 14 women to whom you dedicated the book!

Love, Roger

 

Some years ago, when I was trying to come to grips with this issue of women and leadership, I made time to shut the door of is office in Orlando and quietly asked Roger Nicole the many questions I had about this subject. I knew I would get respectful and honest answers from a man who had studied this issue for decades. I had always wondered how a man with such a high view of Scripture, and who was also a noted Reformed writer and teacher, could hold this view. I wanted to ask my “private” questions and understand how Dr. Nicole had changed his mind. This was a big moment for me in this regard. I needed a man I regarded highly to listen and interact with my thinking. Dr. Nicole did that for me. I am honored now that one of the last things he wrote was an appreciation for something I had a small part in as his friend.

How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership

When my former Wheaton College professor, Dr Alan Johnson, asked me to tell my personal story of how my mind was changed about women in leadership I hesitated at first. I did not want to take any emphasis away from missional-ecumenism by turning toward a new “hot button” issue that would give people more reasons to not deal with my big idea about the church and her mission. Contrary to the opinion of some I do not relish new controversies. But I do feel compelled to be honest about how I’ve thought through an issue when the right time comes to tell my story. After some prayer I sensed that this was the right time and context in which to tell this part of my story in 2010.

In late October the new book How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership: Compelling Stories from Prominent Evangelicals (Zondervan) was released. Dr. Johnson is the general editor of this lovely book. Dallas Willard writes a magnificent foreword. Included in the book are twenty-one stories by contributors such as Stuart and Jill Briscoe, Bill andLynne Hybels, I. Howard Marshall, John and Nancy Ortberg, Cornelius Plantinga, Walter and Olive Liefield, John G. Stackhouse, Jr. and Stanley Gundry. Because the editor decided to list the chapters by the last name of the author my own chapter, “Lessons My Mother Taught Me Without Trying,” is first. I assure you that it is far from the best.

What makes this book quite unique is not the subject matter. There are dozens of great books on this issue. The best are written by careful biblical scholars who directly address the text of the Scripture itself. I have read dozens of these books in my journey to understand better how to read Scripture and apply it. This book does deal with some of these same texts but it is all done in story form. Each of us tells how we made the journey from complimentarianism (so-called) to egalitarianism (so-called). I say “so-called” because I find these terms need much better definition if they are to be used with care. In some ways the use of terminology here reminds me of the pro-life debate. Are defenders of abortion on demand “pro-choice” or “pro-death?” Are those who want to end most, or all, abortions, “pro-life” or “anti-abortion?” Or, maybe pro-lifers are those who oppose the freedom of choice if you really want to score points in the market place of popular opinion. This debate rages and few listen well. In a much smaller way the same is true of the debate about the role of women in leadership. We do not try to listen many times because we have decided that we have a label that fits and thus we have finished thinking about the matter.

This book is a readable collection of essays in which personal experience replaces rigid and abstract argumentation. Nicholas Wolterstorff calls it an “Altogether . . .  moving and inspiring set of stories.” Evangelical biblical scholar Walter Kaiser says, “[It is] a most interesting and important collection of evangelical writers.” Richard Mouw says, “Wonderful testimonies to the ways in which so many of us have come to better understand God’s plan for distributing the gifts of leadership to women and men alike.”

My own story is, as noted above, about the influence of my mother, a gifted Bible teacher. In the end she shaped my thinking without me even realizing how powerfully she did until I was in my 30s. I am not sure mom ever knew how my mind had changed on this subject, though I did discuss it with her and ask her questions along the way. In the end I began to see how she had been kept from using her gift as fully as she should have been because of the stance of my church took against women teaching men. (I believe jealousy played a huge role in this too since she was a far better Bible teacher than any of the male pastors I heard growing up in the church!)

Lest someone who disagrees with me on this issue suggests that experience is always trumped by careful exegesis of the Bible I readily agree, but with one exception. No one reads their Bible without their own experience and no can interpret the Scripture without the influence of people and arguments. You do not read Scripture in a vacuum nor do you apply it without listening to the church and the culture. Every missionary understands this. In this sense I began to see that it was time to tell my own story and that telling it could foster the deepening of my passion for missional-ecumenism.

India and the Problem of Honor Killings

I made several mission trips to India in the decade of the 1980s. It has always amazed me that so many people in the West do not recognize that the world’s largest democracy is India. Great progress has been made in both human rights and economic development in India, especially over the last two decades. I thank God for this progress. The church in India continues to grow in many states while it struggles under persecution in other states. Christians should pray for their brothers and sisters in India. We should also pray for the nation as it deals with many injustices that trouble ordinary people with life and death consequences.

One of India’s most troubling problems is the way women are still treated. This seems particularly odd given the fact that India has had strong women become political leaders. But the fact remains that in much of India women are second-class people. One evidence of this is the practice of “honor killings.” An honor killing occurs when a woman disgraces her family by getting pregnant out of wedlock or by marrying outside her caste. The murder of women, often by men from their own family, is rising in modern India. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh ordered a commission to consider tougher sentences for honor killings in the wake of a recent public outcry over intrafamily murders.

In April a high profile case involved a woman who was found suffocated to death after she told her family that she was pregnant and engaged to marry a man from a lower caste. In five cases, during a single week in the month of June, both members of the offending couple were killed. In many instances village councils knew of, or even ordered, the murders. The commission has been given the task of finding ways to punish council members who condone honor killings.

Let us pray for these concerns in India. Christians are caught in the crossfire of these tensions as much as any group of people. Their rights are as tenuous as anyone’s. The long term solution is for the gospel of grace to penetrate the hearts and minds of many Indian leaders. The gospel, like no other message, exalts women to real equality before God and the law.

I still recall an incident regarding women in India that I encountered on one of my trips to India in the 1980s. I had to gently and earnestly remonstrate with my Indian brothers about some of their cultural practices regarding women and marriage. Their practices denied the very power of the gospel to liberate women from oppression and the patriarchal practices that were demeaning of their oneness with men in Jesus Christ.  This may not seem that important to us, when we live in a society where women have made such huge strides, but in India it is still a matter of life and death. Pray that this truth of the grace of God will touch both Christians and official leaders in India.